The Bad Cop, Bad Cop, Bad Cop,
Bad Cop, Bad Cop Routine

written by Meknes_217, edited by Zuckabee_Zuxby

Art by SlugmanOctavio

You can barely breathe as your body's squeezed within the soft, stuffy palm of your captor. Her grip is tight, and you can just barely make out the muffled bickering of her four identical accomplices as they take you… somewhere. You really should've stayed in place, let Peridot find a way to fix your height before you went and just wandered outsi–

Like a pair of dice, she tosses you through the air. You not-so-gently thud against some cold, metallic surface you identify as a table of sorts as your vision adjusts. The rest of your surroundings are rather dark, save for the harsh light shining above you.

"HEY!"

Startled, you jump at the booming sound of her voice. You get up and turn around, now greeted by the sight of five crimson, marshmallow-haired dolts. Before, you probably could've just punted any one of them like a football, but at your size...

The one with the visor, presumably their leader, slams her hands onto the table, her head filling your vision.

"Alright earthling", says your bespectacled captor, "if you know what's good for you, you better start fessing up!"

"YEAH!!", shouts the one over on the right, with a gemstone embedded into her upper arm. "Where's Jasper, dirtball?!!"

"Hey, shush!", replies their leader, "I'm the one doing the interrogation here, remember?"

"Ooooh! What a lovely little thing, can we keep it?" says the gal with a gemstone over her navel.

"Like a... pet?" grumbles the toughie, her gemstone fittingly acting as an eyepatch. "I'm not gonna feed that thing..."

"S-STOP TALKING!" repeats the boss, her gemstone gleaming from her chest. "I'm the one trying to interrogate this... earth thing!"

"H-huh, wh... what are we doing?", says the airhead, scratching the gemstone on her upper leg. Frustrated and honestly rather scared as you lie against the chilly metal floor, you ask the square-headed runts who they are.

"Ruby!!"

"Ruby!"

"Ruby."

"Ruby?"

"And I'm Ruby!", says queen blockhead, pointing to herself. "And we're gonna put you in a world of hurt unless you tell us where Jasper is!"

…Less than satisfied with their answers, you make mental notes and label them according to their gem placements.

"Hey, why should you get to interrogate the earthling?" says Eyeball. "I have far more experience getting results than any of you..."

"C'mon, why can't I do it?!" says Army, glaring at the cyclops. "That thing looks weak, I can just... I can squash him EASILY, watch!!"

Army pushes the others aside and leaps for the table, her eyes narrowed in on you. Your heart rate spikes as you swiftly roll over, just barely avoiding the life-ending SLAM of her fist, creating a slight dent in the table that could've been a whole lot redder.

"HEY!!!" yells–

            ...

...Chesty? Booby? This is stupid.

            "HEY!!!" yells Four-eyes. "You're not supposed to DESTROY the human! How are we supposed to get answers if it's... ughh whatever, just let me handle this! I'm your superior!"

Four-eyes, Eyeball, and Army all bicker amongst each other as they get a little too excited at the prospect of interrogating the only thing on this planet smaller than them. Navy, however, just rests her head in her hand, giving you a half-lidded smile that just... mildly unsettles you? Is she communicating anything, or is that how she always looks at people? You're not sure.

"Maybe we can... take turns?" Leggy shyly suggests, slightly fidgeting as she watches from a distance.

Everyone abruptly ceases their bickering, turning their heads to her.

"Or... or not. I-I don't know, I don't really know what's-"

---

Four-eyes slams her hands against the table again, looming over you with a fiery glare in her eyes.

"Alright, what do you know about Jasper?"

All eyes are on you, awaiting your answer.

...

You state that Jasper is a type of microgranular quartz, usually known for its striking reddish–

Visibly frustrated, Four-eyes tackles you with a single finger, pinning you against the table's surface.

"Don't play dumb with me!" She hisses as her finger presses into your chest, "Humans may be dumb and stupid and... dumb, but we've seen you with those other Gems. You know where Jasper is!"

Four-eyes lifts you up from the table with her fingers, hoisting you up by your legs. You dangle before a pair of fiery, furrowed eyes smoldering behind a yellow-tinted visor.

With a mighty clap, Four-eyes traps you between her hands, rolling you against her palms like a ball of dough as she increasingly tightens her suffocating grip.

"Where's Jasper?"

Your face is repeatedly squashed and squeezed into her red palms, barely even able to talk back amidst her careless, overwhelming fidgeting. The heat of her hands worsens considerably, gradually turning into a hot, steamy oven. It's as if you're wedged between two loaves of piping-hot bread! Eventually, Four-eyes opens her hands up, light greeting you as you lie atop her palms.

"Well? Had enough?"

You take a breather, catching up on all the oxygen you missed while you were being turned into putty.

"Fine, have it your way!"

Before you could object, a ptoo escapes Four-eyes' lips as she spits directly into your face, knocking you from her hand. Before you can rub the saliva out of your eyes, her hand slaps down on top of you, her soft palm pressing you against the table's harsh surface. Like a ball of dough, she rolls you against her palm, her spit adding a soft slickness to her skin that makes you shiver.

"Augh, just tell us where she is already!!"

You desperately withstand the weight of her damp palm while Four-eyes continues her torment for minutes on end. The pressure gradually increases between the ruby-red hand and the unforgiving surface. Just as you're about to pop like a grape, you're granted some reprieve as she lifts her hand from the table, staring at your limp, sore form.

"Well? Where is she?? Where's the leader of the Earth mission???"

...

...You cough up a blob of spit.

Four-eyes's brow furrows, clearly unsatisfied with your lack of an answer as she literally steams with frustration. Before she turns you into paste, however, Leggy raises her hand.

---

            As Four-eyes marches off to blow off some steam, Leggy inserts herself as the interrogator. Her expression is much more wide-eyed and curious, contrasting from the constant serious business of Four-eyes.

            "Hello. I... I've never interrogated someone before, so I'm... um... I'm sorry if I don't do a good… job?"

You stop yourself from saying 'it's okay' out of sympathetic impulse. You instead thank her confusedly, though you also state that you'd very much rather not be here at all.

"Oh, you don't?", Leggy replies. "Sorry, I'll ask! Can we let the human—"

"NO!!", barks Four-eyes. "We need to ask QUESTIONS first!"

"Oh yeah! Right."

Now with a better understanding of her job, Leggy looms over you, trying to get a better look as her large cuboid head of hair obscures the harsh light above.

"What's your… favorite color?"

You tell her it's green. May or may not be true…

"Whoa, an answer! I'm pretty good at this…"

Four-eyes nearly bursts in frustration before Navy puts her hand on her shoulder, whispering what you can just barely make out as "just let her have this".

"Are all humans this small?"

You answer 'no', explaining how you simply found yourself in an accident that just made you smaller.

"Oh."

You feel she's a bit nicer than the others. Probably couldn't hurt to ask a favor? Specifically the lamp, as you find the brightness rather irritating against your eyes.

"Huh? Oh, the light thing! I can do that, lemme just…"

Leggy grunts as she climbs onto the table, shaking the metallic ground that you're standing on. You lose your balance and fall on your bum as she crawls across the table, her body looming over you as she reaches for the lamp.

"Okay, how do I—"

In a profound lack of foresight, Leggy rotates the bright lamp directly into her wide peepers.

            "WAAUHGHGH!!!"

            Losing her balance, she pinwheels her arms and falls right on top of you. You brace yourself before your vision goes black with a sudden THUMPH. You push back against the heavy weight of this soft, squishy surface now enveloping your body...

            "Oops, sorry..."

            Ah, you're beneath her cheek. Facial cheek, mind you, thank god. You assure her that it's alright, and that she's actually doing a pretty good job, you think.

            The weight of her warm, soft cheek presses against you, an indirect consequence of a grin spreading across her face.

"Wow, you think so??"

            You're given a sudden relief from the weight as her head raises.

"Huh?? What's going on???"

As your vision focuses, Leggy's casually lifted up by Eyeball.

---

Eyeball stares at you, coldly.

A bright light emits from her gemstone as she reaches her hand towards it, pulling out a small knife. With a growl, she immediately goes right for your neck, holding it against your skin.

"Alright dirtball, I'm gonna chop your head off right here, right now if you don't-"

"HEY HEY WHOA WHOA", interrupts Four-eyes. "What did I just say about destroying the Earth-thing???"

Frustrated, she throws her knife at the ground.

"AUGH!! I... I wasn't ACTUALLY gonna do it!"

You breathe a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, this prompts her eye to immediately snap towards your shrunken form.

            "...Oh?"

            Eyeball reaches for you, plucking you off from the table as two very warm fingers now press against your waist. You swiftly ascend to her singular eye, disorienting you.

            "You think I need to kill you to get answers!?"

Eyeball lowers you before her mouth, briefly licking her chops before her cavernous maw opens wide. A gust of steamy breath escapes her lips as you're presented the many wet, unsettling details of her mouth, leaping out at your infinitesimal form. That fleshy, bumpy mass of a tongue starts to salivate, and her breath is... warm.

Very warm.

Eyeball pops you right into her mouth, making a splat onto the warm wet flesh of her tongue. You lift yourself up, your hands sinking into the soft, wet mass before her lips seal you inside. Her lips shut and her tongue rises, pressing your body against the roof of her mouth. You're sandwiched between the ridged surface and the salivating flesh of her tongue as she tries to get a nice taste of your fragile little body.

A low chuckle reverberates through the hot, wriggling sauna as everything becomes drenched in her saliva. As you cough and hack up spit, you're rolled up in her tongue, squeezed between two layers of dripping tongue meat as she practically attempts to squeeze the answers out of you.

After about a minute or two of her effortlessly toying with you like a breath mint, your eyes are finally met with light once more... but it's not coming from outside.

Her mouth is glowing red, like someone just turned on an oven, and it's starting to feel like one too. It's stuffy and humid like never before, your eyes barely able to remain open in the painful heat.

If this continues, she might just bake you alive.

You desperately try to crawl your way out of her mouth, only for her to simply toss you back to the center of her tongue. Your whole world jostles as she starts to speak again.

"Heh. Had enough, human? Do you want to fess up? Or do I just have to yeeooOOWWOWWWW THTOP IT THTOP IT THTOP IT"

You bite down hard on her tongue, your mouth being filled with the unpleasant texture of her slimy taste buds. But you don't let go, in fact you bite down harder and hold on tight to the wriggling muscle as it squirms in pain.

Having had enough, Eyeball sticks out her tongue and scrapes you off with her front teeth. You splat on the metal table, absolutely drenched in saliva. You look back up, Eyeball glaring at you as her hair starts to catch fire.

"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU MISERABLE WAD OF.... MEAT???? AUGHGH IF YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST–"

The other Rubies rush to hold her back as she summons her knife.

---

Army lets out a long, dramatic exhale through her nostrils.

"Alright squirt, there's no use in hiding anything from me, fess up!"

Terrified at the idea of what's to come, you desperately assure her that you know nothing. Army gives you a judgmental squint. Glancing at the previous dent in the table, you're not quite thrilled.

"Really, now? Well, what's THIS supposed to be?"

She unfolds and presents a piece of paper. It reads the following:

…

You tell her that you did not write this.

Frustrated, Army burns the paper with her hands, almost immediately turning it into ash.

"Darn it!! I... I really thought that would work… this interrogation thing SUCKS why can't I just…"

Army makes some hand gestures that you can only interpret as her violently screwing your head off.

"...y'know?"

"I could–"

"It's not your turn, soldier!", Army spits back at Navy.

"Ruby", asserts Four-eyes. "If you don't have any ideas, we could–"

"Oh, because YOU have SO many ideas..."

"RUBY! That is no way to speak to your superior!"

Army keeps bickering while the rest of the Rubies start to join in, gradually losing any focus they had on you. Having identified an opportunity, you try to make your escape while they're all distracted by the verbal conflict. You look down from the edge of the table, looking for a chair or anything else to break your fall...

Suddenly, one of the Rubies shoves Army into the edge of the table as the conflict escalates from verbal to physical. The wobbly impact makes you lose your balance, resulting in you falling off the table... and right onto the middle of Army's back.

"What the... HEY! The human's trying to escape! I'm not finished, you–"

You try to skitter away from her big red digits as you scale her back. In your haste to evade her, however, you lose your grip and slip beneath the v-shaped opening of her uniform, sliding further down her back.

"Ack!! W-what is this???"

Your vision goes dark while her warm skin presses against you, slightly slowing your descent. The fabric dips and morphs overhead, as if she's trying to catch you from the outside.

"Get.... get back here!!"

Her efforts fail to stop you as you continue to slide down, pushing against both her skin and the fabric of her clothes. With gravity having run its course, you land on a large soft mass, feeling a narrow passage beneath your uneven footing. All but failing to capture you, her fingers inadvertently push you downwards, slipping even further from her reach as you continue your descent. Losing your footing, your lower half sinks into a large, warm crevice...

"Oh no you don't!!"

Suddenly, your entire sense of gravity changes and your entire body is hit with a powerful SLAM, completely bouncing your miniscule body right into the stuffy, fleshy crevice below. Struggling to breathe, you push back against some sort of wobbly, meaty–

Butt. You're in Army's butt.

"Hah!! How do you like it down in the trenches, bub?"

The stuffy cheeks clench against your sides, trapping you within its tight, sweaty clutches. It's uncomfortably steamy and humid as you try to push against the mounds of flesh, your hands sinking into the soft red skin before a quick squeeze conforms her flesh all over your body.

"See?", proclaims Army. "Told you I could find a way to get it to talk!"

You feel yet another SLAM ripple throughout her flesh as you slip even further into the depths of her crack. You let your body go limp, unable to fight through her tush and far too sore at this point to even move.

"Now where's Jasper?"

Army grinds her cheeks against each other, kneading you within the slick flesh of her ass. It feels like when you were rolled within Four-eyes' palms, except this time you're trapped between several hundred pounds of damp butt. It's not as hot, but the overbearing weight of her rear and deadly lack of fresh air is slowly suffocating you.

"Heh... you hear me? Where's Jasper, you..."

"..."

"...wait."

The kneading of her cheeks comes to an abrupt halt, a slight clench tightening around you as she stands up straight. You stay limp.

"Is… is the human... uhh..."

After a brief silence, the room proceeds to yet again become a cacophonous mess of various Rubies talking over each other.

"Oh WAY to go Ruby, ruining our whole operation with your big butt!"

"HEY!! I... I didn't squeeze THAT hard!", says Army, being the only voice that reverberates around your very being.

"Ugh... there goes our info. At least you got to kill it."

"Huh?? What's going on???"

"Oh no! I couldn't even have my turn…"

"Ruby, you just lost our best lead! I don't want to report you, but—"

"H-hey, wait!!", interrupts Army. "Maybe it's still alive, hold on...!"

Light peeks from above as her hand starts to rustle through the back of her shorts. Her flesh peels apart as her fingers push through her cheeks, revealing her big red digits. Eager to see if this could lead to your escape, you decide to keep playing dead.

With a wet schlipp, you're pulled out from Army's bum. Her waistband snaps shut and she dangles you in the air for everybody to see. You keep your eyes barely closed and try your best not to gasp for fresh air now that you're in the presence of it.

"Looks dead to me, Ruby."

"Like you know what a dead human looks like!" refutes Army. "It could just be… sleeping??"

You feel your entire being slapped from her hand and harshly land on the floor. In spite of the pain, you try your best to remain limp, only slightly peeking your eyes open to try to assess your surroundings.

"Oh, oh! So now I'm the dumb one? I'm sorry for actually taking initiative–"

"YOU JUST KILLED OUR ONLY LEAD!!!"

---

You crawl beneath the gap of the door, celebrating a brief, yet cathartic moment of relief. You did it. You finally escaped from the four red dunderheads.

 Realizing it's far too early to celebrate though, you continue to shuffle against the floor while you look for a way out. Is... is this even their place? The thought of them breaking into some random building to initiate a botched interrogation doesn't seem terribly out of character...

"THERE you are!~"

...You neglected to remember a fifth red dunderhead.

Navy's footsteps were silent, so much so that the only indication of her presence was her sudden voice. In mere seconds, the ground disappears as her fingers pluck you up and elevate you to her wide, observant eyes. Seemingly unbothered by your desperate retaliation against her fingertips, she finally gets a good look at you.

"Oh... oh wow. You got hurt pretty bad there, huh?"

Her nose fills your vision, sniffing you for a moment.

"Phewww, and you smell like butt, too! Hold on..."

Your finger-biting comes to a halt as Navy's hand wraps around you, trapping you within her palm. She's not rough with you like how you were initially captured, though you're not quite thrilled with your predicament nonetheless. Your assumption that you're being taken back to the interrogation room changes when she eventually opens her palm, a bright light filling your vision before being met with your own reflection.

This is the bathroom.

"Alright! Let's get you clean..."

Navy delicately turns the sink faucet, making sure there's little trickles dripping down rather than a complete waterfall. She holds you below the water running from the spout, gently stroking your hair with her fingertips while she sing-songingly hums to herself. She discerningly squints at the soap dispenser before pressing into it, getting a little bit of soap on her fingers before rubbing it against your soaked body. You push and fight back against her wet digits, but your efforts are wholly ineffective, as the energy you have left is lacking.

As Navy rubs your leg, she notices a considerable flinch at her touch.

"Oop! Sorry, haha! How about this..."

Navy lowers her mouth towards your leg and gives it a gentle peck. Her lips were supple and delicate, appearing to have a slight gloss as they enveloped your limb with a soft wetness. Your disposition changes, ending your ineffectual assault on her fingertips.

"See, all better! And here I was worried I knew nothing about humans, heh…~"

Navy continues to hum to herself, being mindful of the sore parts of your body as her wet hands continue to rub you clean. She's actively impeding any chance of escape, more than likely intending to bring you back to the other little red monsters once she's done with you. You devise a waayyyyyy ohhhh god yeah ok yeah yeah that's good that's very nice holy—

"♫ Mm hmm hmm... ♫"

Restless thoughts leave your mind as you go limp, becoming mere putty in Navy's hands. It begins to feel less like a bath and more as if you were being handled by a dexterous masseuse. You sink into her soft wet palms, her digits getting into all the little nooks and crannies across your body.

"Mmwah~!"

Her head lowers again before another smooch engulfs your chest, a brief wet suction sending a pleasant wave of goosebumps across your body. Her warm breath washes over you, followed by a giggle as she eyes your miniscule form.

"Aww, aren't you just silly! To think you wanted to run away...~"

Your mouth opens to talk back, though your senses trail off elsewhere as she presses an affectionate peck against your back, relaxing your body once more.

"Hey, could you do me a favor?", inquires Navy, licking her lips behind your vision. "I hope I'm not asking for too much..."

Another smack pushes against your back, her soft lips gradually making your way up to your neck.

"All I want..."

Her thumbs carefully massage into your shoulder blades, her index fingers rubbing across your shoulder.

"...is to ask just one thing…"

Her mouth becomes intimately close, her lips now pressed directly against the back of your head. You feel her hot, steamy breath escape as she speaks softly…

...

---

"Well that was a bust", sighs Four-eyes, operating the ship as her crew ventures into the depths of space. Each Ruby mans the ship at their respective stations.

"Sorry", murmurs Army.

"Aww, Ruby! Don't worry about it!", assures Navy. "We tried our best."

"Hrm, maybe the human was just dumb?", ponders Eyeball. "Perhaps it did not understand that - by giving information - the interrogations would stop..."

"I don't think the human knew anything", shrugs Navy.

"Wait, don't humans know nothing? Like, when they're born and stuff??", recalls Four-eyes.

"Huh, really??", Leggy inquires, her eyes turning from her station.

"I... I think I heard that somewhere", Four-eyes clarifies, scratching her head.

"Yup, it's true!", confirms Navy. "They don't know any protocols or anything."

"Wow!", Army perks up, laughing to herself. "Humans are dumb!"

"I knew this interrogation was pointless...", mutters Eyeball.

While everyone is occupied with themselves, Navy reaches into that "Chaaaaps"-inscribed bag she acquired from Earth. She reaches up to her cubeish head of hair, her hand sinking into the soft, pillowy mass before it finds you, snugly imprisoned within the dark red fluff. She presents you with a crumby, oily slab, the scent of sour cream and onion flavoring filling your senses.

"Hungry?", she whispers.