INT. OFFICE – LUNCH ROOM – DAY
Four office workers, MARY, JANET, STEVE and DOUG, sit around a lunch table gossiping.
MARY
…tell me about it, my ex-boyfriend was a total jackass. I told him to clean up his socks, and you know what he told me?
THE OTHER THREE
What?
MARY
He told me that’s what girlfriends are for!
JANET
Jeez.
STEVE
What an ass.
DOUG
Haha, yeah.
JANET
My ex-boyfriend was a dweeb as well. He was always ordering me around. You know he stood 5’5” barefoot? I’m 5’9”.
Doug perks up.
JANET
He was so small. I could have just stepped on him. Would have been easier than figuring out who gets the dog.
They all laugh. Doug raises his eyebrows slightly.
DOUG
Haha, yeah. You could have…you could have made him sleep in your shoe.
They laugh again, less enthusiastically.
JANET
(warily)
Yeah. Anyway, he was a total dweeb, so like—
DOUG
(undeterred)
Haha, you could have, like…eaten him. For lunch.
Doug gestures to Janet’s sandwich.
DOUG
Like in a sandwich. You could have, like, digested him. (gesticulates) Then pooped him out. In the toilet. Hah.
A crooked smile. The others are visibly uncomfortable. Mary tries to change the subject.
MARY
So, Janet, how is the move going?
DOUG
(butting in)
Hey, Janet, what was your ex-boyfriend’s name again?
JANET
(reluctantly)
Craig. Listen, Doug, I’d really prefer if we just drop it.
Doug is crestfallen. He has a hang-dog, sullen expression.
DOUG
Okay, alright. Sorry. I was just goofin’ around.
They’re all uncomfortable and shift awkwardly in their seats.
JANET
The move’s going well, I’m getting the keys next Friday. You’re all invited to the housewarming next weekend.
DOUG
(grinning)
Cool! Is Craig gonna be there?
JANET
No, Doug. He’s my ex.
DOUG
Oh, okay. (beat)
It’s just, if he’s that small, you could shove him up your pussy—
MARY
Oh my God!
STEVE
Dude.
DOUG
(voice rising in volume)
—and CUM him out in front of everyone. I just think that’d be pretty cool! Pretty funny!
STEVE
Doug, dude, is this like a thing with you? Like a fetish thing?
DOUG
What? No. C’mon. I’m just goofin’ around.
MARY
Well, it’s making everyone really uncomfortable, Doug. Just drop it.
DOUG
(sheepishly)
Alright. Sorry. I was just trying to make my coworkers laugh.
They all look ashamed, despite themselves.
JANET
Listen, Doug, you can still come to the housewarming.
DOUG
(smiling slightly)
I’d really like that, Janet.
His watch bleeps.
DOUG
Well, better be getting back to work.
He leaves. The other three look at each other. Beat.
STEVE
So are we all still on for that “Eyes Wide Shut” orgy this weekend?
MARY
Oh, yeah.
JANET
Totally.