“Wow.”
“Yeah. Wow.”
We were mostly silent, still at the park but we had left my car at least. Some fresh air was nice. We were both really sweaty. I stashed Amy near my chest again, still nude. I wanted to give her some time to warm up and dry. She was so cold and a little bruised. She’d had the life squeezed out of her. It was a little thrilling to sit on the bench and see the cars roll by and hikers appear. Nobody knew she was hidden away on me. Nobody knew how close she had come. I wondered how people would have even found out if I had gone all the way. Maybe nobody would have ever known.
“Where do you go?”
“Huh?” Her voice caught me off guard. I had almost forgotten her.
“Where do you go off to, when you go? Like just now.”
“I mean, I’m right here still. What do you mean?”
“Sometimes you’re just kinda gone, I guess. Like detached.”
“Oh.” I hadn’t realized. Maybe people really did notice.
“It’s fine, I’m just curious. I do it too.”
“I guess I’m thinking about what we did. What we could have done.”
“Don’t tell me you’re getting cold feet again.” She chuckled to herself.
“No, I just. Well. What would have happened? I feel like we were balancing on a knife.”
“We were. I like playing on the edge.”
“What would have happened, though? If I didn’t stop?”
“I guess you would have squished me dead.”
I was quiet. Saying the hard part out loud felt wrong. Like she had spoken something to the world that scraped against reality. The air and dwindling sunlight seemed to press down, hoping to snuff out the aberration. I took a deep breath to steady myself. We needed to talk about it. We needed to speak the unspeakable. I started speaking again, seemingly talking into the air in front of me as she spoke up through my shirt.
“What then?” My voice was a little unsteady.
“Then I would be dead… I guess.” She was hesitant.
“That doesn’t bother you?”
“Well, I’m glad you didn’t.”
“Are you?”
Now it was her turn to be silent. She was also still, and I could almost forget she was there. The sunset was in full force, oranges and pinks spreading out above us. I was grateful to be able to share it with her. I’m not sure it would have been beautiful if I was sitting there cleaning blood from my Converse.
“It’s really hard being tiny, you know?”
“I mean. I guess that’s why I’m in the class. To learn. I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s fine. It’s not easy to explain. I think people don’t really realize how hard it really is. How easy it is to just kinda… die. Sometimes. How hard we need to work to… not.”
“I’ve heard the stories.”
“Yeah, the stories. I’ve been in those stories, you know?”
“I’m sorry.”
“No. Tess. It’s OK. Really.”
“I mean, not really? It’s not fair.”
“Tinies don’t have a word for ‘fair’.” She laughed, warm but hollow.
“So that’s it, then? Life is hard, so? Why stick around? That sort of thing?”
“Huh? No! Not like that.”
“I mean, I wouldn’t blame you.”
“Yeah, no you’re not wrong. But there’s a lot more to it.”
“Like?”
“I’m pretty sure I’d feel this way no matter what. Even if I was giant, like you.”
I had grown accustomed to calling them tinies and mostly avoided the less kind nicknames for them. But I hadn’t heard their names for us. I didn’t think of myself as very big. Usually, I felt pretty small. The whole world sometimes feels like a weird machine that I was hopeless to affect. For her, it must be so much worse.
“Like, you’d want me to hurt you?” I asked.
“I’d want to be eaten. If I were giant, I would envy tinies. Because they’re small enough to fit inside someone. I’m glad I can at least have that. Some day.”
“So you want to be eaten, just not right now?”
“I think I’d want to at least finish school.”
“What, after this semester? That’s just a few months.”
“Yeah. Then I think I’d be ready.”
“What’s the point of school if…” I trailed off.
“I just want to say I’ve done it, you know? Not many tinies get to even attend college, much less graduate.”
“Aren’t tiny graduation rates, like ninety-five percent?”
“Yeah, but they don’t count the accidents.”
“Right. The stories.”
“Yeah. So I’d want to finish that. Maybe take the tram to see the ocean. Say a few goodbyes. Then, take the plunge. If someone would have me, that is.” I could feel her looking at me.
“Wouldn’t people worry? If you just… tell them you’re heading off to be lunch?”
“Well, I mean. I probably wouldn’t tell them. No need to freak anyone out.”
“So you just disappear, then. What about your friends? Family?”
“I think they would understand. We all sorta need to come to terms with it.”
“I guess so.”
We sat in silence for a while. Soaking in the last rays as they filtered through the trees. Things seemed a little less wrong. I thought about how fucked up it must be to simply accept losing people like that. I’m not sure I could handle it. I avoid people on purpose so I don’t have to lose anyone. So I don’t take anyone away from anyone else.
“There you go again.”
“Ah. You caught me.”
“Dwelling on bad things again?”
“Something like that.”
“I’m not just asking so I can get off, you know? I’m actually curious what goes on in that massive dense noggin.” She giggled.
“So hearing my fantasies doesn’t get you off? I thought you liked me.” I sneered.
“I mean that’s certainly a factor,” she laughed a bit, “I just want to know where you’re at. I’m worried about you too, you know?”
Feelings started to swell inside me. I was feeling extra emotional after everything that had happened. My throat constricted and my eyes welled up a little. I tried to stifle the feeling, having cried enough for one day.
“Hey, it’s all good. Just checking in.” Her voice was soothing.
“It just isn’t right. To be worried about me when you’ve got so much to deal with.” I managed to say through halting breath.
“I don’t expect you to do these things to me and feel nothing. I’d be concerned if you just wanted to murder me. As hot as that might be.”
“I love the feeling. That’s what I mean. That’s where I go when I go somewhere. I go to a place where I’ve killed you. While that’s bad enough already, I just… I like it. I can’t stop. I don’t know if I even want to.” I barely managed to push the feelings down.
“I wouldn’t ask you to. I just want you to share when you think about me like that.”
“You want to know every time I think about…”
“Yes. Then we can talk about it. Your thoughts aren’t the problem, it’s keeping them all bottled up. You’re spring-loaded. Lord knows I think about you killing me all the time.”
I considered her for a moment. It was getting dark and we needed to take off soon. I wished that we had more time or more privacy. I could smuggle her around for only so long. Part of me wanted to share those sorts of feelings but I knew what it would do to the monster. I didn’t start botting things up for fun. Perhaps I was spring-loaded, but I knew what was affixed to the spring if the pressure was released. But it was strange to know that we shared those thoughts. Not only was she understanding but she liked those fantasies too. If the idea of being killed made her feel good, why shouldn’t it make me feel good too?
“Maybe I can share, in small doses.” I offered.
“I’d like that.”
“I want to keep talking to you but it’s getting dark. Someone will probably show up and kick us out soon.”
“Could I stay at your place? I can skip a morning class tomorrow.”
“Wouldn’t you get reported for curfew? They check for everyone at eight, right?”
“I have a friend I can text. They have a big switch system with screens for us to read reports and send messages. Should be fine.”
“Oh, OK. I can text my roommate to see if she’s going to be out.”
I got up, and the sudden movement tossed Amy around. I smiled, not realizing how easily I could rattle her. It was an accident but it felt good. My simple movements made her yelp and writhe against my skin.
“Sorry!” I laughed.
“I’m OK!” She shouted as she righted herself.
Back in the car, I extracted Amy and was once again taken aback by how hot she was. All the more so, knowing what I had done to her. She was a little banged up, the bruising becoming clear. I felt a pang of guilt, despite the fascination with her now colorful skin. She was red and blue in a few places.
“Shit. I’m sorry. Looks like it hurts.”
“Oh, these? I’ve had worse. You can mark me up any time. Well, almost. I am kinda sore.”
“Be careful offering me that. To be fair, they look good on you.” She blushed.
I placed her down next to her dress and took out my phone to text Stella. She and I had an agreement for bringing people home but it was only ever one-sided. She liked to pick up guys occasionally. Normal guys. I really didn’t want to have a conversation about Amy. I sent a vague message asking if she was around. Amy was carefully pulling the dress over her, wincing now and then as her muscles moved. I loved watching her move but now the added layer gave me a lot of satisfaction. She really had become art, painted with pain. I did that. I wanted to do more, I wanted to really utilize that canvas.
“OK! Ready. Hey! I see you. You have to tell me now!” She had caught me ogling.
“Fine. I just like the way you look all bruised up. It’s… not just the look, I guess. It’s the pain. I like it when people hurt. Especially for me.”
“Wow,” Amy practically swooned, “thank you for telling me. Now where are my shoes?”
We had so much fun earlier I had forgotten when she took them off. I looked around the floorboard and craned my head under the seat.
“Ah! Found one,” I said as I reached for the tiny boot. It was just too cramped, my hand didn’t quite fit. I could feel it rolling around my fingertip.
“Allow me?”
“Sure, I forgot you can be put to work,” I said and pinched her around the middle. It was a sensation I would never grow tired of. She winced a little but never stopped smiling. I was grinning right back.
I put her down on the floorboard and sat back. Stella had messaged me back. She was out for the evening, but she was very clearly suspicious. I don’t normally care where she is. I sent another message, reassuring her that I was just watching a film for class and wanted to use the TV. I doubted she bought it.
“So, when did you know?! About the pain stuff?!” Amy shouted from under the seat.
“I guess it’s just always been there. I didn’t realize it until later but people in pain just does it for me. I don’t even have to be the one doing it. I think it might have started when I saw horror movies. They didn’t affect me the way they did for other people.”
“Found one! Keep going, I’m going to find the other! Ugh! You need to clean your car!”
“Imagine if you had died down there. So embarrassing.” I laughed, “But yeah I guess hearing those screams and seeing them suffer was an awakening. Did you ever see Curse Night? The second one, I think.”
“Nope! Found the other one! Be right out! Please continue!”
“There’s this scene where the sorceress has them trapped in a house and then she starts, like, messing with their heads. She makes herself huge and messes with the house from the outside like it’s a doll house. One of them tries to run and she just fucking splatters him. Dead under her stiletto.”
“No way!”
Amy had returned. She was a little dusty, standing with both of her boots between my legs. She was beaming.
“I could really get used to you looking up at me.”
“I’m not planning to stop!”
“When the sorceress was done, it wasn’t the killing that got me most. It was cool that they used practical effects and I loved watching him die but… It was the others still left in the house.”
I leaned in closer, my head hanging down between my knees. Amy’s smile turned to awe as my eyes bore into her. She backed up a bit to be able to see me without craning her neck as much.
“It was their faces,” I continued, “when they saw their friend mashed to paste,” I lifted my right foot, the one that had almost killed her, “The film zooms in on their reaction,” I pressed the ball of my foot down and started to grind in a small circle, “And they were terrified. Because they knew they were next.”
Amy shivered. She watched me grind the ball of my foot around like I was putting out a cigarette. Like I was squishing a bug. Like I was pulping a tiny. She fell to her knees, looking up at me with dreamy worry. Her eyes said she was scared but her goofy smile betrayed her real feelings. She would have done anything, had I asked.
“What would you do if I asked you to die right now?” My voice was severe.
“I… I….” She stammered, mouth agape. She merely nodded. Lost in ecstasy.
“I admit, it’s a little weird that you like it so much. Almost makes me not want to squish you, you know?” My foot continued to rotate.
“Do… Do you want me to… Beg?”
“What I want is for you to be afraid to die.”
“I’m not sure-”
“You said you wanted to finish school.” I interrupted.
“Yes.”
“So you’ll finish school.”
“Yes.” She was in a trance but was occasionally distracted as my shoe swiveled in her peripheral vision.
“Good. So you won’t let me kill you before you graduate.”
“Y- Yes.”
“So I’ll ask again, what would you do if I asked you to die right now?”
“I’d… I’d say… ‘red’.”
“Great!” I smiled and stretched out my legs, my tone suddenly friendly.
I reached down to pinch her, eliciting another lovely squeak. My demeanor had changed and I was savoring having shaken her. I gave her a warm smile while she hyperventilated between my fingers. She looked genuinely frightened, or perhaps she had just been forced to look at herself hard in the mirror. Perhaps she was simply aroused.
“Thank… You…” She managed to say.
“Of course. If we’re going to do this we need boundaries. I’ll make sure neither of us crosses them. You deserve to graduate. I won’t let you get out of it.”
“And… After?”
“We can talk about that. I still don’t really understand why you’d want to die like that. Being eaten?”
“Are you… offering?” Her face was pure wonderment.
“Don’t get carried away. I don’t want to hurt you, Amy. Not in a way that means I have to say goodbye.”
“Oh.” She looked down.
“Yeah, I know. I’m a real monster. I’m sorry.”
“No, no. I understand.” I could tell she was disappointed.
“Amy, I just want to understand. Maybe eating you would be fun but then that’s it. I don’t get to have you anymore, you know?”
“I like to think you’ll always have me. Forever.”
That last word, forever. It felt good to hear. I stared at her with a furrowed brow. I wanted to possess her. I wanted to keep her with me forever. I wanted to stuff her inside me and never let her go. It wasn’t such a terrible thing. People break up. Tinies die. Relationships end. But I could have her inside me, always. Trapped. Forever.
“You’re doing it again.” She spoke up.
“I’m thinking about it.”
“About?”
“What it might be like to eat you.”
“And?”
“Is that how you’d want to spend eternity? With me?”
“You still haven’t bought me a drink.” She hesitated a smile but was almost breathless.
“Tell you what. Let’s have some fun this semester. If you’re still… with me when you graduate… Well, I won’t make any promises but we can talk about it.”
Amy merely nodded, with her usual wide goofy smile now adorned with shock. I was worried I had got her hopes up. I wasn’t sure if I had it in me. To devour someone. The monster was certainly intrigued.
“Let’s start with picking up some food on the way to my dorm. I need to eat something and you’re not on the menu. Yet.”
Amy smiled broadly and nodded vigorously. She was ecstatic. I turned the car on and lowered her into my shirt once more. When she landed I heard her squeal and kick with delight. I smiled, but part of me was worried. I wasn’t even sure she’d survive the semester at the rate we were going.
“Don’t get too carried away. I still have a lot I want to know. How about we start with one of those stories I’ve heard about?”
“Stories?”
“The ones where a tiny student is killed and they sorta just… sweep it under the rug. The kinds of stories you’ve been in.”
“Oh. I mean. I think I can talk about it a little.”
“If you don’t want to share, I understand.”
“If I tell you one of those stories, will you tell me yours?”
“Which one?”
“About when you tried. And you lost control.”
My heart skipped a beat. I was hoping I’d move past all of that. But Amy did deserve to know. If she agreed to this she needed to know the kind of monster she was getting with. I was going to have to tell her eventually.
“Deal.”
“Ok. Well, I think I’ll start with my first day of class. Freshmen year.”
“I’m all ears.”